


To Blinky, From Jakku

by transriot



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Background Relationships, Blackmail, Emotional Manipulation, Homophobia, Implied Relationships, Internalized Homophobia, Jeremy Heere Disaster Gay, Love Simon AU, M/M, Mutual Pining, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow To Update, Unrequited Love, it gets gay fast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-04-05 00:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14032188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transriot/pseuds/transriot
Summary: Jeremy Heere is an average senior.He wants to be free from high school and free from his small town in New Jersey, but he has no idea what he wants to do with his life. He loves his dad and his mom left them but they're coping okay. Jeremy enjoys theater but not as much as his best friend. Speaking of friends, he has a larger group of friends than he ever imagined.There's just one thing, Jeremy is gay and in the closet. When another closeted gay kid makes a post on a popular school Tumblr page, Jeremy gets inspired to begin a penpal relationship to have a friend who fully understands.A LOVE, SIMON AU





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> please go watch love, simon it's so good

Jeremy didn't think he was anyone who was extraordinary.

He got mediocre grades at school, his best being As. He was decent at singing and acting, but he wasn't exactly like Christine Canigula who excelled at any role she was given. He couldn't really write or draw, and his penmanship was messy at best.

He lived alone with his dad, who he hardly spoke to but got along with and he loved (not that he would ever tell his dad he loved him first). Jeremy guessed his mom fleeing in the middle of the day after dropping him off at school freshman year was an unusual thing. Most people didn't have mothers who abandoned them. Or dads who didn't put on pants.

But Jeremy had a few friends. He wasn't popular but he wasn't exactly a blimp either. Sometimes he burned “incense" in his room and he liked to play retro video games or just games in general. He liked comic books and was still slightly into Harry Potter despite recent misgivings about J.K. Rowling (yes, he was Slytherin, and yes he was aware some thought he was Hufflepuff but not all Slytherins are evil. They’re just ambitious). His favorite band was Jukebox the Ghost and like most teenagers, he’s been to a few concerts in his life. Also like most teenagers, he could drive but didn’t own a car of his own (there used to be two, his parents said he would get his mothers when he was old enough and his parents would share a car, but then his mother took it and drove off to New York).

So, Jeremy considered himself an average teenager. He definitely drank too much caffeine and was riddled with anxiety and depression but weren’t most teenagers? Jeremy just… was a little bit different.

Again, he was pretty normal. And like most seniors with senioritis, he had a bad habit of sleeping in past his alarm.

When his third alarm went off, Jeremy jumped out of bed and scrambled for his phone. His brain was still riddled with sleep but he tried to get himself started. Jeremy rushed to his bathroom, wincing at his reflection in the mirror and wondered if he had enough time to shower. When he decided that no, he didn’t, Jeremy just washed his face, used the bathroom, and brushed his teeth as fast as he could.

A loud knock on the bathroom door, “Coming in!” His dad essentially bellowed, turning the knob and entering the bathroom before Jeremy could spit out the toothpaste in his mouth.

“Dad!” Jeremy mumbled around his toothbrush. “P’ivacy?!”

His dad waved his hand, scratching at his beard before beginning to pee. Jeremy averted his eyes and stared at the sink. “We’re all men in the Heere house Jeremy. No need to pee so shy,” his dad chuckled, “Pee so shy. See what I did there?”

Jeremy nodded his head and finished brushing his teeth as fast as possible. “Yes, dad. Jesus Christ,” Jeremy mumbled to himself. “Just wait next time!” He yelled at his father as he left the bathroom in a flurry to get dressed.

“Hey! When you have to go, you have to go!” Jeremy’s dad yelled back at him. Jeremy groaned, feeling heat rise to his cheeks from embarrassment. Great. Another great start to the day.

Jeremy closed his bedroom door behind him, tilting his head back and letting it rest there for a moment as he tried to burn out the images he had seen. While he wished he could just curl up and hide in his bed, Jeremy knew that if he took too long to get ready then Chloe would get annoyed. Plus the faster he dressed, the sooner they all got bagels.

He spent a few more moments wondering what to wear, burning a hole in his closet before deciding on his standard jeans, t-shirt and decided to mix it up with a black hoodie and jacket as opposed to his blue cardigan. It was a cold fall, and his cardigan didn’t do much to keep him warm. His hair was gross so Jeremy was quick to shove his hair under a beanie and called it a day.

Once he felt just a bit more satisfactory in his appearance, he sat down in his chair and waited for one of his friends to text him. Jeremy glanced out his window, which was pointed to the front of his neighbor's yard. A truck pulled up, promoting a landscaping business.

He shifted in his chair a bit when he saw the driver. Jeremy scooted a bit closer to the window without thinking about it. He watched the driver exit the truck, continuing to watch him as he rounded it to pull out a leaf blower. Jeremy was unable to stop looking at his legs. His eyes briefly flickered to his face and the briefest thought ran through his head of kissing him. The man was definitely out of high school, and he had scruff on his face. But Jeremy still imagined feeling the strong jawline and cupping his cheeks in his hands. His face heated up again as he checked the landscaper out.

For a moment, Jeremy let himself indulge in the fantasy.

His phone began to ring, making him jump. Jeremy grabbed it, seeing Brooke’s smiling face on his screen before swiping and answering. “ _Hey!”_ Brooke’s voice was bright despite it being so early in the morning still. _“We’re downstairs! Get down here so we can get some bagels and coffee,”_ Brooke told him. Jeremy could hear Chloe mumbling something in the background.

“Be right there,” Jeremy told her, hanging up the phone and grabbing his bag. He hurried out of his room and down the stairs. His dad was on the couch, a bowl of cereal next to him and his laptop on his lap. “Bye, dad!”

“Leaving already? I could have made you breakfast,” his dad turned around and looked at him.

Jeremy tugged on his shoes, hopping a bit to get them both on. “It’s fine. We’ll just get something on the way. Thanks though,” despite their morning he smiled at his dad, grabbing his house key and leaving.

Brooke was parked in the front of his house. Chloe was in the passenger seat and rolled down the window, “Hurry up, Heere! We still have to grab Canigula! Jake and Rich are already there!”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and climbed into the back of Brooke’s car (her car was originally her moms, but Brooke used to take it so much that Chloe’s mom just decided to buy another one and let her keep the older car). “Finally, you take so long,” Chloe sighed, flipping her hair before turning around. “How are you?” She asked, a smile betraying her tone.

“Good,” Jeremy nodded his head. Brooke began to drive and Chloe turned forward, messing with her phone. “How are you guys this morning?”

“Ugh,” Chloe groaned, “I’m definitely going to need Pinkberry after school.”

Brooke looked at Jeremy in the rearview mirror, “Fluffy almost got free this morning but we managed to catch him. So, I’m fine.” Fluffy was Brooke’s dog who had a penchant for getting free. Jeremy wondered why they didn’t fix the hole in Brooke’s fence.

They reached Christine’s house. Christine had been his best friend for fourteen years at that point, the two of them meeting when they were just in the second grade. Jeremy couldn’t imagine his life without the happy go-for-it person that Christine was. The bubbly girl was already outside and quickly ran up to the car. She slid in, buckling herself up. “Hey, guys!” Christine greeted them, her smile wide and bright. “Ready for some bagels?” She asked.

“Bagels!” Jeremy shouted.

“Bagels!” The three girls shouted in unison. Chloe turned up the radio, playing a song that Jeremy was sure he heard before.

The car was silent for a moment, Christine started to bob her head to the song, Brooke was mouthing the lyrics and Chloe had began to dance slightly in her seat. Jeremy was dancing too, the beat beginning to take hold. Plus there was an [awesome trumpet part ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyVPyKrx0Xo)that was hard to deny. Christine began to sing along loudly, harmonizing.

Brooke joined in, and the excitement began to bubble up as the song persisted. Jeremy couldn’t resist bumping against to Christine when the song went into a breakdown, the trumpet blaring. “You’re literally just my type!” The four of them yelled in unison before the song slowed down to the end. Another moment of silence before Christine broke down into laughter, running her hands through her hair.

“God I miss the summer,” Brooke sighed, Chloe nodded her head.

“We need to go on a road trip this year,” she stated, scrolling through her phone again for another song.

“Where to?” Jeremy asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No destination!” Christine shouted out before Chloe could answer, “We just travel around the country like… like vagabonds. Getting into mischief and making memories before leaving for school.” Chloe had put on another song at that point, but Brooke was pulling into the Einstein Bagel shops parking lot. Jeremy spotted Jake’s car.

“We need to have someplace where we’ll end up in the end though,” Brooke said, parking. Chloe put sunglasses on and Christine shrugged, exiting the car with the rest of them.

“We can probably just see touristy places along the way. As long as we’re not late to our respective schools, right?” Christine stated. The four of them walked together into the bagel place. They had about thirty minutes until their school started. Thinking about college made Jeremy nauseous. He definitely didn’t have anything worth getting into college for. No special skills or talents and he didn’t even know what he would study. Jeremy applied to a lot of schools already, having just wanted to deal with early admit than wait forever, several of which being for theater-related careers. But truthfully, he doubted he had anything that would make schools even consider him.

Christine and Brooke were still discussing the logistics of a road trip while Jeremy just looked for Rich and Jake. He handed Christine his card when he spotted them, knowing she would go up with Brooke to grab bagels and coffee for themselves, him, and Chloe. Jeremy used to get too nervous to order and Christine used to do it for him. The two of them never broke out of the habit. Brooke and Chloe just tended to switch off on paying for each other.

Chloe interrupted Brooke and Christine for a moment, “Brooke, I want --”

Brooke rolled her eyes, “I already know what you want. Plain egg and cheese bagel and an iced coffee with soy milk in it.” She repeated to Chloe her order and for a moment Jeremy thought he saw the slightest hint of pink on Chloe's cheeks. Chloe just nodded and Brooke went up to the counter.

“Oh! Christine, can I get a caramel macchiato and just an asiago bagel with the maple cream cheese?” He told her his order when her attention wasn’t zeroed in on one thing.

“You got it!” Christine smiled at him, saluting before going to the counter with Brooke.

Jeremy and Chloe sat down with Jake and Rich. “Dude! What’s up? Did you hear about Madeline?” Rich instantly asked them.

“What did she do this time?” Chloe leaned forward, instantly interested in hearing anything about Madeline, Jake met his eyes and Jeremy understood that this was probably one of many times he had heard this gossip. Jeremy didn’t care about Madeline.

“She’s trying to get Mr. Reyes in trouble for putting on Cabaret this year,” Rich told her.

Jeremy suddenly cared about Madeline, “Why is she doing that?” Christine would be heartbroken if she managed to get it shut down. “I mean, people already auditioned and the roles were announced last night.” Jeremy somehow got the part of Herr Schultz (he didn’t know if it was because he was Jewish, or if he actually deserved the role).

“I think she’s just pissed off she didn’t get Sally Bowles and she’s just an ensemble member. Which is total bullshit because according to Jenna Rolan she’s trying to say that the show is “inappropriate” for a high school,” Rich said. Chloe nodded, taking the information seriously. After all, if Jenna Rolan said it then it was definitely true.

“Who’s saying what’s inappropriate?” Christine asked, handing Jeremy his coffee and bagel, somehow managing to hold her own stuff at the same time. She sat down next to him and he offered her a bite of his bagel, which she took and did the same with him.

Brooke sat down next to Chloe, who took her iced coffee immediately and sipped at it as if it held her life’s secrets.

“Apparently Madeline is trying to get Mr. Reyes in trouble for Cabaret,” Chloe filled her in before Rich could explain. Rich gave her a look, frowning a bit.

Christine gasped, “What? Why?” Her eyes went wide and she looked sad at the thought of it being canceled.

“Something about it being inappropriate which we all know is major BS,” Chloe took another sip of her coffee again. Her tone and demeanor made Jeremy wonder how they managed to become friends; it was through Brooke and he knew in another world that Chloe would never consider him, probably just think he was a fly on the wall to swat at. Brooke and Jeremy hadn’t been friends for much longer, but longer than he had been friends with Rich, Jake, and Chloe. The two of them worked on an English project together in the ninth grade and Brooke ended up talking to him constantly and then talking to Christine. Chloe was just a package deal with Brooke, the two girls had been friends for as long as Jeremy and Christine.

“She can’t make them cancel the show! This is my last show in high school!” Christine’s voice got whiny at the end, bringing him back to the present. Jeremy patted her shoulder in an attempt at reassurance.

“They won’t shut it down, Christine. The school let Shakespeare’s and zombies happen, I bet they’ll be okay with letting Cabaret happen. I mean, Principal Sawyer wouldn’t have approved the audition process if she wasn’t okay with it. Right?” Jeremy attempted to reassure her, looking at the rest.

Jake nodded in agreement, “Besides, they know that Madeline is just upset she’s not talented enough to be Sally Bowles.” He told Christine, whose face became slightly pink as she smiled. Jeremy thought that Christine liked Jake. Not that he could blame her if she did. Jake was textbook handsome. He had a winning smile and was great at everything he did, he was smart and funny. Jake and Chloe had dated for a moment before breaking up but they had all gotten used to him being around and he never left (even though they were one of many groups he hung out with).

Rich, like Chloe, sort of just came along with Jake. Not that Jeremy wouldn’t deny that having Rich around was anything less than entertaining (although Rich and Jeremy hadn’t gotten along at all until junior year, that was a story for a later date).

“You’re right,” she looked at Jake and Jeremy. Jeremy let his hand fall from her shoulder. “I’m so excited for rehearsal tonight!” Christine told them, beginning to go into a detailed explanation of how much musicals and theater meant to her and how sad she was to be leaving high school that summer.

Eventually, their conversation steered away from the school's theater and headed onto the actual things before ending up on the topic of school. Which was a topic that reminded them all that they needed to head to school. Jeremy went back into Brooke’s car, and somehow all of them ended up making it on time.

“I’ll see you guys at lunch!” Jeremy waved at the last bit of the group, Christine waved enthusiastically back at him.

He headed to his first class of the day, and then the next, and the next until it was their lunch period.

Lunch was where Jeremy’s group grew larger. He grabbed his lunch and headed to the usual table. When he was younger, he never dreamed that he would have so many people who considered him a friend, nonetheless called him a friend (he still didn’t think he should have so many friends).

Jenna Rolan was deep into telling a story to Chloe, who seemed bored but was definitely listening to every single word Jenna was saying, “So then Ms. McNamara just started to sob in the middle of the lecture because she started to think about her divorce and then she began to tell us the details of it. Her ex-husband sounds like a real piece of work but I really don’t understand why she’s so hung up over him.”

“Jenna, you’ve told this story like ten times already,” Michael Mell rolled his eyes and looked up at Jenna. “Hey Jeremy,” he nodded his head at him and Jeremy nodded back. Michael was someone Jeremy couldn’t figure out. He ended up doing tech for the play one year and ended up hanging out with them. He was closest to Jenna, who wasn’t very close to anyone at all (and who Chloe seemed to mildly tolerate at most). Still, everyone seemed to enjoy him and Jeremy wouldn’t deny that Michael was… something.

(He was undeniably handsome and funny, and smart and, yeah, he was a stoner but Jeremy didn’t care about that. It was 2018, who would care so much about weed? Michael was sort of quiet but when you actually talked to him and got to know him, Jeremy thought he was one of the funniest and interesting people he knew. He had dark, expressive, brown eyes hidden behind thick lens, dark hair, tanned skin with beauty marks randomly placed and constantly seemed to have a beat stuck in his head.)

“It’s an important story, Michael,” Jenna swatted at him and Michael stuck his tongue out at her. Jeremy wasn’t sure if they were just close friends or if they were dating. “The heartbreak of Ms. McNamara is the juiciest teacher gossip of the year.”

“It’s less exciting than when Mr. Kelly and Mr. Sweeney were rumored to be dating,” Chloe sighed.

“I still can’t believe the school let that happen. It’s weird to see them being all touchy-feely and stuff,” Rich said and Jeremy felt that nauseated feeling he got when thinking about the inevitability of his future.

“Dude, don’t be intolerant,” Jake scolded him.

“I like gay people,” Chloe said, brightly.

“I’m not being intolerant. I just don’t like thinking about my teachers boning,” Rich became defensive.

“That is a weird thought but why were you imagining Mr. Kelly and Mr. Sweeney naked to begin with, Rich?” Michael asked, “Do you have something to say? We’re all friendly and open here.” There was a smile on his face and Rich threw a goldfish at him. Michael laughed and Rich threw another, which landed in Michael’s mouth. Somehow, Michael didn’t choke.

“Oh guys don’t throw food again, I felt so bad for the janitor last time,” Christine told them, poking at her salad. “Jeremy, are you going to eat your bread?” She asked him and he shook his head, giving her the roll much to her joy.

“Plus last time I found like five popcorn pieces in my bra. How did they get into my bra, guys? You weren’t even throwing them at me. I was just sitting next to Michael,” Brooke piped up.

“Okay, but are we going to completely ignore the fact that Ms. McNamara is beginning to really go through it? Like she needs to have a hardcore feelings jam with Mr. Reyes or something,” Jenna interrupted what was going on.

“Oh speaking of Mr. Reyes, is there rehearsal today?” Jeremy asked.

Christine shook her head and Jeremy swore there was glitter on her cheekbones, “No. He apparently rescheduled the read through for tomorrow. Something about “eating too many Hot Pockets” and having to go home.” Well.

That sounded like Mr. Reyes.

“Oh, by the way, congrats on getting Sally, Christine. And nice job on getting Herr Schultz, Jeremy,” Michael told the two of them.

Christine preened, “Thank you!”

“Thanks,” Jeremy mumbled.

“I’m excited to play Sally with Jake as my handsome Cliff Bradshaw,” Christine gestured to Jake, who was in the middle of biting into the sad attempt at pizza from the school lunch line. Jake gave a thumbs up with his mouth stuffed full of food.

“Of course, how could I forget one of the main characters, nice job Jake,” Michael told him with a genuinely warm smile.

“He only got Cliff because he doesn’t sing that much in the show,” Rich joked.

“You’re not wrong, bro,” Jake nodded in agreeance.

“Who’s playing the Emcee again?” Brooke asked.

“That kid Squip, you know he wears like either a trench coat or a leather jacket. Super handsome but kind of a dick,” Jenna informed her. “Kinda looks like a young Keanu Reeves. Tried to sell Dustin Kropp oregano saying it was weed from his cousin in Colorado that one time.”

Squip, whose real name was Eric, was a transfer to their school that came in the middle of the first semester. Jeremy hadn’t had much interaction with him. Truthfully, he got a weird vibe from him.

“I haven’t seen him act at all. I wonder if the part is deserved,” Christine hummed, “I’m sure it is though! Mr. Reyes usually doesn’t cast without the parts being what they should be.”

“Do you guys ever think about that when you’re in the ocean you’re swimming in a giant cemetery?” Brooke asked, her nose buried in AP Biology textbook.

“What does that have to do with Bio, Brooke?” Chloe asked her. The table broke off into several different conversations then, Jeremy just listening in and not really saying much. His stomach was still in knots, but it wasn’t as bad as before and he was able to eat just fine.

The rest of the school day ended up being a blur. He went through the rest of his classes and got a ride home with Brooke as usual. As usual, he tried to give her gas money and she refused, and Jeremy gave up and just went inside his house, shedding his shoes and jacket.

His dad was in the kitchen. “Hey dad,” he greeted him. He sighed at his pantless form, “Did you even put on pants today?”

“Nope! No need to when I didn’t leave the house,” his dad told him before going back to humming and swinging his hips to “Love On Top” by Beyonce which was not really a song he wanted to see his dad shimmy around to while pantless. “Spaghetti and meatballs for dinner tonight, I tried to make some garlic bread too but I don’t know how it’ll turn out,” his dad told him.

Jeremy sighed a bit, “Thanks, dad.” His dad was trying in some way, at least. When his mother first left, they had eaten take out for a solid two months. Thankfully the local Chinese restaurant was already familiar with them.

His dad just nodded, continuing with his cooking-dance combination and Jeremy went up to his room.

He went face down into his bed, groaning and intending to avoid homework for as long as he was able to. Jeremy just wanted a few minutes of uninterrupted doing nothingness.

Like usual he didn’t get what he wanted. His phone began to ring and he picked it up without looking at the screen. “Hello?” He rolled onto his back.

 _“Jeremy!”_  Christine’s voice came from the other end. _“Did you hear about the closeted gay kid at our school?”_

“What?” Jeremy shot up, his beanie falling off of his head. His heart began to race in his chest and he suddenly felt like a caged bird.

 _“It’s all over that gossip blog that Jenna denies running. You know, Middleborough Highs Skeletons?”_ Jeremy always found the name weird but it was probably started up by some edgy freshman before his time. _“Do you have your laptop? You_ need _to read what he wrote.”_

Jeremy stuck his phone between his shoulder and ear as he found his laptop. He immediately pulled up the Tumblr blog, jiggling his leg full of anxious energy. “Found it,” he told Christine. The post was blowing up, no doubt the whole school knew about it if they hadn’t read the post themselves already.

 _“What do you think? Do you think we know him?”_ Christine asked him, but it fell on deaf ears.

Jeremy was focused on the post.

_You would think that most people would have no issue with coming as gay anymore. What with so many celebrities being out and the acceptance that seems to be spreading._

_But as soon as I think about disclosing my secret, the secret of liking boys, of finding men beautiful and wanting to kiss them, I hear or see something that makes me want to shrink back and hide again. I feel like in one moment, I’m winning the game. I’m beating all of the enemies and gaining high scores. I’ve managed to outrun any beasts chasing me._

_And then I get eaten whole again._

_I want to be out, I want to tell my parents, siblings, and the rest of my family. I want my friends to know. But it’s still scary to finally step off the cliff and dive into the water._

_Okay, I’m getting too poetic._

_The point is. I want to be comfortable in expressing myself. In being who I really am (not that being gay changes my personality, I’ve always been gay, I just wanna kiss a boy and hold his hand in public). But the thought of letting people know makes me nervous, I know I’ll receive shit for it and it’s terrifying to think about being out and being proud of it. Especially in our school which seems so small and close-minded._

_I’m probably just being dumb._

_\- Blinky_

_“Jeremy? Did you read it?”_  Christine attempted to get his attention.

“I have to go Christine.”

_“Jeremy? Wait.”_

“Sorry, dinner,” he cut her off, hanging up the phone as soon as possible.

Jeremy stared at his screen for what seemed like hours before nervously clicking on the email attached to the post.

He made sure to use an email no one knew about from middle school when he got a little too deep into Warriors.

To: blinky8thedots@gmail.com  
From: dolphins-r-us1@gmail.com  
Subject: Hey

Again he stared at his screen, staring at the blinking cursor that was there. Then, he began to type.

_Dear Blinky,_

_I’m just like you. I have a secret too._

_I guess it’s not a secret if I’m telling you._

_To everyone else it is. See, I’m a perfectly average kid. I get average grades, I have friends who sometimes get on my nerves but I love them anyway. I’ve been best friends with one girl for years and we still haven’t outgrown each other, much to my surprise. I think we’re getting closer and closer with each addition to our little ragtag group._

_I don’t know what I want to do when I’m older, or where I want to go to college._

_Sometimes my dad annoys me. For a long time, we were awkward after my mom left us. But we try now, and I love him. Not that I would tell him without him saying it first._

_There’s no reason for me to feel afraid, not when I have a close-knit community and only one parent to (potentially) disappoint._

_Still, I don’t want people to know my secret. Maybe we can help each other? Finally, have someone to talk to about our shared secret._

_Sincerely,_  
_Jakku_

Jeremy stared at the email for a long time. He hovered above the ‘send’ button for ages.

On an impulse, he pressed it. As soon as it was sent he freaked out, slamming his laptop closed and immediately pushing it under his blankets on the furthest corner of his bed. Oh god, what if he had just made a mistake? Blinky would never respond to him. Blinky probably just wanted to be left alone. Jeremy was trying too hard. What would Blinky want to do with him? What was he going to say in response?

Jeremy buried his face in his hands as he thought about it before standing from his bed. That’s it. He would just have to delete the account, he decided as he paced back and forth in his room, that way Blinky would never be able to reply to the email.

That was obviously the best course of action.

He nodded to himself. Yes. Rational, he decided as he went to terminate the account.

“Jeremy! Jeremiah! Dinner!” His dad hollered up from the living room before he could even grab his phone.

Jeremy stared at his phone for a moment like it was his enemy. “Jeremy!” His dad called again. “This garlic bread is amazing!”

He sighed heavily through his nose, “Coming, dad!” Jeremy called back, leaving his room and heading to the kitchen.

Watching what happened wouldn’t be a bad plan either, right? Jeremy wondered if meatballs could erase his possible mistake.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for my friend Rachel (ScripStrel) for reading these chapters for me and also letting me text you and talk your ear off with my planning

If Jeremy’s dad noticed his skittish energy over dinner, he didn’t say anything. Jeremy’s knee was bouncing a million miles a minute and he kept wanting to reach into his back pocket and look at his phone. Every now and then it would buzz and logically Jeremy knew that it was most likely Christine, telling him about some theory she thought up off about a musical, or someone telling him gossip, or someone else asking for homework or joking around in the group chat.

But Jeremy wanted it to be Blinky. Each buzz made his heart race and he felt even more energetic.

Messaging Blinky had possibly been a mistake. Blinky could ignore. He could think that Jeremy was being weird and thought that whoever Jakku was was trying too hard. Or maybe Blinky wouldn’t trust him because he would assume it was someone who was trying to find out his identity and expose him. 

  
Or it could have been one of the best things he had ever done. Blinky and him could get along. They could probably spark a friendship and have someone to talk to. Jeremy was nervous about admitting all of these things to someone, but he felt like there was a good chance that this could be a great friendship or at least some sort of relationship. Jeremy wasn’t hoping for a boyfriend. He just wanted someone he could be really close to. That was all.

“Anything exciting happened today?” His dad asked him when Jeremy was already halfway through dinner. Jeremy had pulled off a piece of his garlic bread and had shoved it into his mouth, so he hastily chewed it so that he could answer his dad.

“Not really,” aside from Jeremy finding out someone else was in the closet like him. “School is the same as usual. Rehearsal starts tomorrow so I’ll probably get home late, but I should be able to get rides so don’t worry about picking me up or waiting up late for me.” 

“Okay,” Jeremy’s dad said. Then they went back to their silent eating. Dinner table conversation wasn’t either of their strong suits. When his mom had been around there hadn’t been much eating at the dinner table. During his childhood, there had been, but as he grew older his family had tried to stay away from the tension that happened whenever they were in the room together and ate separately.

Jeremy used to eat in his room (if he ate at all). When his mother left the house was empty, and a mess. And then one day his dad just decided to eat dinner at the table. Jeremy had joined him after a few moments of hesitation. The dinner that they ate was in silence, but they began to eat dinner together again. 

As nice as the notion was, Jeremy didn't want to be there right now. His phone buzzed again and he shoved the last bit of his pasta in his mouth. His cheeks were stuffed with food.

“Wow! You must have been really hungry, huh? Do you want more to eat?” Jeremy’s dad asked him.

Jeremy shook his head and worked on swallowing his food. When it was all done he stood from the table, gathering his plate. “Dinner was great, thanks, dad!” He rushed to put his plate away, shoving it into the dishwasher. 

Jeremy’s dad didn't say anything, probably just wondering why his son was so odd that night. 

He ran up the stairs to his room and closed the door behind him. He winced a bit when he closed it aggressively, wincing at the slamming sound. Jeremy just jumped onto his bed and stared at his phone.

No new emails.

He opened up his email app and kept reloading the page. People were on their phones all of the time why was this reply taking so long?

Jeremy kept up with his repetitive actions of reloading the page until he gave up. For the moment anyway. He went to go shower, leaving his phone on the bed.

His shower was spent wondering the same things he had been wondering since he sent the message. Jeremy got dressed and flopped back onto his bed, he didn’t bother to dry his hair and pushed wet curls out of the way of his face. His phone was next to him and he resisted the urge to grab it, staring at it.

It buzzed.

Jeremy snatched it up faster than a frog eating a fly. He opened his phone and felt his heart jump into his throat when he saw the first notification.

“Re: Hey”

With his heart pounding in his chest, Jeremy clicked on the notification and opened up the message.

 

_ Jakku, _

_ A secret huh? You say we share this secret, too.  _

_ So tell me, Jakku, when did you know? _

_ Sincerely (so formal), _

_ Blinky _

 

Jeremy stared at the message. It was short and simple. He didn't know what he had been expecting. Then it set in that he got a message and Jeremy rolled around on his bed.

What was he going to respond with? Is this the beginning of a friendship? He felt grateful that Blinky had even emailed back at all.

Jeremy began to type up a new email immediately.

 

_ Dear Blinky, _

_ I think I knew or suspected that I was… you know, when I was in middle school. _

_ I had this Harry Potter poster in my room that had Draco Malfoy on it when I was 12. Every night, for three weeks, I had a dream where Draco and I were talking and then the dream evolved. _

 

Jeremy remembered waking up one night, sweaty and red-faced, breathing heavily. The dream had been incredibly intense. It seemed to haunt him too since it kept happening and he even thought about it when he was in school.

Draco had just been really pretty and Jeremy had thought the accent was the best thing on the Earth. 

 

_ Then my friend was showing me an artist and I remember thinking that he was incredibly hot. Probably too hot. Which is no big deal on its own. _

 

“Jeremy, isn't his voice just amazing?” Christine swooned a bit, “And he’s so hot!” she leaned against Jeremy. On her laptop screen was a music video.

She had just discovered Panic! At The Disco and was showing Jeremy a video of the lead singer, Brendon Urie. They were in 7th grade at the time, it was almost summer vacation and they thought it was too hot to bike to Pinkberry so they just hung out at Jeremy’s place. Christine had taken this as a chance to introduce him to her new favorite band (it would change a week later to another early 2000s emo band, Christine had a phase).

“Yeah, yeah his voice is… nice,” Jeremy agreed.

“And really hot. You have to be blind to not see how hot he is,” Christine insisted.

“Whatever you say, weirdo,” Jeremy rolled his eyes and smiled jokingly, playing it off. But Christine was right. Brendon Urie was incredibly hot.

Jeremy spent most of that night watching videos and looking at pictures of the performer. 

 

_But what really drove it home was when I got my first girlfriend. That hadn't gone well._

 

Eighth grade was just weird for everyone, in Jeremy’s opinion. At that point, people had begun to kiss each other and enter actual relationships. Jeremy followed suit.

He got his first (and only) girlfriend. 

Sonya Rostova was in his history class. She and her family were from Russia, and Jeremy thought that she was nice enough. He didn't really talk to anyone. But she had approached him before class started once, her face a bright pink. Her cousin Natasha was giggling behind her, staring at Jeremy.

“Do you want to go to the spring social with me?” Sonya asked him.

The question caught him off guard. “Oh, uh, um, s-sure?” He stuttered out an agreement. Sonya and Natasha left giggling.

Apparently, that made Sonya and Jeremy girlfriend and boyfriend. They didn't really talk, maybe texted now and then, and never really went on a date other than the spring social.

Jeremy completely forgot that they were dating until they were shoved together for a slow song. Sonya and him were awkwardly dancing (if it could be called that), Jeremy felt way too sweaty underneath his nicest sweater. 

Sonya looked at Jeremy and he wondered if he was supposed to be making conversation. “So, um!” Oh god, what was he supposed to say?

“Jeremy. I think I'm in love with you,” Sonya said quickly. She then was leaning up as if to kiss him.

Jeremy’s fight or flight response kicked in.

“That's nice!” He squeaked out. “Excuse me!” His reaction was to flee, running to the bathroom. He sat down with his feet on the toilet and sent an SOS text to his dad.

 

**[Jeremy]**

7:30 PM

Some kids brought alcohol can you pick me up?

**[Dad]**

7:31 PM

OMG

On my way!!

Jeremy still felt a bit guilty for how he left Sonya alone.

 

_ When did you know? _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Jakku _

 

Jeremy sent the response quickly. He wondered if Blinky would think that he was trying too hard for messaging back so fast but he tried to ignore those feelings.

Maybe Blinky would reply faster since Jeremy responded quickly. He hoped so anyway.

Jeremy laid there on his phone, staring at his inbox before deciding that he should try and do some actual work. Like the research paper that was due in two days. He hadn't even done the research for that one.

Laying there he knew that he should get up to grab his laptop but still not moving. After a moment he finally rolled over and grabbed it off of his bedside counter, opening it and starting it up before Jeremy began to do his research.

He ended up on Reddit for a good portion of the night. There was research done every now and then but he ended up staying up late. In the end, he called it a night around 1 or so, promising that he would work on the paper the next day. If he didn’t get distracted again, that was.

When Jeremy woke up, he went through his usual morning routine of rolling around on his bed, finding his phone and turning off his alarm. He didn’t look at his messages, knowing that would result in him staying in bed longer instead of getting ready.

School started _way_ too early for Jeremy and he got up even earlier just because his friends and him had a tradition. As usual, he brushed his teeth (no dad interruption this time, thank God) and got dressed before finally looking at his phone. His friends were on their way, as usual. Rich had texted him about math homework and Jake had sent the group chat a video late that night (Jake stayed up later than Jeremy did most nights and was actually productive, he didn’t know if Jake was productive last night since he had sent them the first episode to the Gayle series on YouTube).

There was a message from Blinky.

Jeremy clicked on it so fast, sitting down in his desk chair as he read every word.

 

_ Jakku, _

_ I guess I sort of knew around middle school too. Maybe earlier, since I think I was little  _ too _  into Zac Efron when I was younger. Also, Warren Peace from Sky High was a huge awakening. _

_ So yeah, probably knew I liked boys pretty young. But I didn't come to terms with it until the summer before freshman year maybe? I was watching a movie with my cousins and they were waiting to see some of Angelina Jolie’s boobs and I was far more invested in watching Brad Pitt. _

_ I mean it was Brad Pitt, who’s not into that? It's like looking at Jason Momoa and not finding him hot. _

_ But that was the big sexual awakening for me. I'm glad that I'm not the only one hiding this in our school though.  _

_ Thanks for reaching out to me, _

_ Blinky _

 

Jeremy chewed his lower lip, trying to figure out what he would say in response when a text from Chloe came through, telling him that they were downstairs. 

Like usual, they picked up Christine and met up with Rich and Jake at the coffee shop. Christine went to order for him and Jeremy tried not to be suspicious as he typed on his phone.

“Who are you texting so early?” Brooke looked at him.

“Oh, uh, no one,” Jeremy pulled his phone to his chest.

“Maybe it’s a secret girlfriend we don't know about,” Jake didn't reach for his phone but seemed interested.

“Did Heere finally score? Let me see!” Rich, of course, reached for it.

“Leave him alone Rich,” thank god for Christine. She handed him his coffee and bagel and Jeremy pocketed his phone, but he was itching to reply.

It wasn't until he was sitting, waiting for his third class to start that he actually got the chance. His other classes had all of his friends in them and while it’s not unusual for Jeremy to be on his phone during class, even he knew that it would be like he was staring too intensely and waiting for a message. He hid his phone under his desk in his lap, his head bowed down as he attempted to make it hard to see what he was typing.

 

_ Blinky, _

_ I'm relieved too!!! It’s difficult not getting the chance to tell anyone what’s going on. TBH I don’t know if any of my friends would be able to relate, which is fine since they’re their own person and stuff and are probably having issues where they think I can’t relate to them. _

_ But I think that’s the case with everyone? I don’t know haha _

_ Sincerely, Jakku _

 

He sent the message and the class began. He wondered how Blinky would respond, Jeremy knew that there were issues his friends struggled with that he felt useless with. Like Rich’s dad, or Jake’s parents. He knew that sometimes instead of being a good friend he coward away and just let his friends deal with their own issues. Which was terrible of him. He didn’t think that Blinky needed to know that, he didn’t want Blinky to think or know just how bad he was at everything.

Jeremy wanted to know his response. He needed to see his response. His phone buzzed and he bounced his leg up and down. This teacher had a no phone policy. If he spotted someone’s phone then he would snatch it away so quickly. Jeremy just wanted to see if it was Blinky.

Another buzz and Jeremy  _ had _ to check.

“Does anyone know how we would begin to find X?” 

He raised his hand. His teacher looked surprised and happy, “Yes, Mr. Heere?”

“May I use the restroom?”

His teacher's shoulders sagged in disappointment, “Yes, Mr. Heere.”

Jeremy didn’t even say anything in response to the teacher, he just left and ran towards the bathroom. He passed different classrooms, a kid sitting on their laptop in the hallway who wasn’t doing work since Jeremy definitely saw them on Hulu before he turned into the closet bathroom (he hated the hall the class was in since it was the only hall that didn’t have a bathroom of its own).

He got into a stall, not wanting anyone to question him, and quickly pulled out his phone. 

No new emails. No messages from Blinky. All of the notifications were just from a cast group chat he apparently was added in that was just called “Cabaret.” Christine had made his nickname “Herr Schultz” and had already made an introductory message for everyone in the show. Jeremy muted the conversation, not wanting to mistake the notifications. He sighed and left the stall. There was no one in there so he just left and went back to the classroom.

He sat down, feeling a bit dejected that there hadn’t been any new message from Blinky.

Jeremy slumped in his chair ignoring the math lesson going on until the bell rang for lunch.

_“Jeremy!”_ Christine sang his name.

“Christine,” he greeted her and she pouted.

“No singing?”

“Saving my voice for the read through,” Jeremy lied and Christine frowned.

“You’ve been kind of quiet all day. Everything okay?” She asked him quietly as they got into the lunch line. Occasionally the school would serve something that was edible for lunch.

“I’m fine. Just… it’s just been sort of overwhelming since the morning,” Jeremy told her. Christine patted his arm sympathetically. 

“Let me know if you need to just sit somewhere quiet for lunch. We’ll all understand,” she said and Jeremy nodded, feeling something gnaw at him for lying to her.

“Thanks, Chris,” he gave her a shaky smile before following her to the table. The table was loud, mainly because of Rich but that wasn’t unusual. Jeremy sat down next to Christine and let everyone else talk around him. 

Was Blinky ignoring him? Maybe he was busy. He could have a different lunch period. Or maybe his message hadn’t sent.

Jeremy felt stupid for already being so attached to a person he barely knew. But there was just something so nice and comforting in finding someone that he could relate to. Jeremy thought that he would have to wait till he was in college to come out.

He imagined himself living in LGBT dorms surrounded by other people who felt the same as him. He was in a big city, definitely not any cities in New Jersey. He would tell his dad when he came home for the fall break since schools don’t recognize Chanukkah as a holiday to get off for. His dad would probably just nod and they would awkwardly deal with Jeremy being… himself. He wouldn’t tell his mother, she probably wouldn’t care anyway.

In college, he would get his first boyfriend. Maybe sing a duet of love with each other and then post it on YouTube and become famous indie artists.

Maybe he’ll go to nightclubs and dance with people he never met before and kiss boys underneath dark lights who tasted like alcohol. Both of them sweaty but having too much fun to care about the massive amount of people surrounding them in a small, sticky, stage where the music was loud and pumping and -- 

Yeah, clubbing wasn’t for Jeremy.

His phone buzzed and he pulled it out. He instantly clicked on the notification and began to read.

 

_ Jakku, _

_ I get that, but I think if you just sat down you might find that some of your friends can probably relate to you and vice versa. Maybe some are in the same place as the two of us. But if we both thought that then we wouldn’t be in the closet, right? _

_ Anyways, enough with that deep crap :p _

_ Who has better fries, Wendy’s or McDonalds? Also what’s with the “gays can’t drive” jokes online. I’m super gay and I can drive just fine? _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Blinky _

 

Jeremy felt himself smile a little bit at the message.

 

_ Blinky, _

_ I feel like Wendy’s has better fries _

_ They’re better to dip in frosties then McDonald’s fries which are just long and limp and are not satisfying with their milkshakes _

_ Also, I can’t drive _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Jakku _

 

Jeremy wondered if he was being too enthusiastic by replying so fast all of the time.

“Michael! Hey, Michael!” Rich was yelling again, waving his hands rapidly at Michael Mell who was just entering the lunchroom. He had a plastic bag around his wrist, his phone in one hand and a slushie that was blue and red together. The frozen ice was beginning to mix together and had begun to create a purple flavor. Michael seemed startled by his name being called loud enough for him to hear over his headphones, the smile at his lips fading away when he looked around to find the source.

Rich waved his hands again and Michael nodded, heading over to him. As soon as he was close enough Rich slapped his hands on the table. “Dude, do you have the math notes from last class?” 

“Yeah.”

“Can I have them? Please?” Rich asked him as if he needed to beg anyone for notes at this point. Jeremy cared for the guy but everyone knew that Rich liked to sleep during classes (not that Jeremy could hold it against him, he slept in classes a lot on his end too).

“Totally,” Michael wormed his way between Jeremy and Jake to sit across from Rich. He set down his stuff and dug out his math notebook which Rich took with grabby hands and a small ‘thank you.’ Michael just nodded and began to eat his food.

“Is that one of the spicy rolls?” Christine asked Michael who nodded again, this time with a piece of sushi in his mouth. “I’ll trade you three french fries for one of them,” Christine’s face was serious. Like she was asking Michael to buy her weed (the last and first time Christine was high Jeremy was shocked by how hungry she was and unnerved by a calm Christine).

"Deal,” Michael agreed.

“Yes!” 

Jeremy just leaned out of their way so they could swap their food.

The rest of the school day passed normally. At the end of the day, he felt his mood shift from his usual anxiety to an excited anxiety. He was on his way to rehearsal when someone tackled him from behind. Jeremy jumped.

“Oops! Sorry, Jeremy,” Christine’s voice relaxed him, even though she was really the only person who did that to him. “Didn’t mean to startle you. I’m just so excited!” Christine sped up so she could match his pace, walking alongside him now. She bumped his arm and he offered it to her. She happily accepted it and leaned into him, leading even though technically Jeremy was walking her with their arms linked in the position.

“I’m excited too,” he told her. 

“It’s going to be fun! Cabaret is such a good show! And oh my god you’re going to be such a cute Herr Schultz. Little old man in love,” Christine sighed, placing her hand on her chest as she pretended to swoon into him.

“Brooke is going to be a great Fräulein Schneider. I’m a bit nervous though. I don’t know how Squip is going to be as the Emcee,” Jeremy confided in Christine. His phone buzzed and he resisted the urge to pick it up and look at it.

“I trust Mr. Reyes! If he felt that Squip deserved the role, then he deserved the role,” Christine said cheerily.

“I guess you’re right,” Jeremy smiled at her and she beamed up at him before dragging him into the auditorium. 

Mr. Reyes spotted them almost immediately. “Christine! Jeremy,” Jeremy always thought he sounded less enthused to see him but Christine was a crowd favorite, “You’re here, good. Set up chairs for the read through, please.” Christine detached herself from Jeremy to do as was requested of her, Jeremy helped her out even though Mr. Reyes didn’t get up from his own spinny chair. Jeremy couldn’t be mad. It was typical behavior for Mr. Reyes.

Mr. Reyes was always weird to Jeremy. Jeremy was pretty sure he had credentials to do professional shows, and he knew that Mr. Reyes had done professional shows. But for some reason, he was teaching drama at a high school in New Jersey. Also, Jeremy was concerned for his health but other than sweating a bit too much he seemed fine. Sometimes Mr. Reyes seemed really uninterested in doing theater at the school but then his mood would switch. Jeremy just figured that it was disappointment in cast members being dumb.

Soon other cast members joined Christine and Jeremy in setting up chairs. The stage manager, Adakias, spoke quietly to Mr. Reyes in the corner before Mr. Reyes handed him a bunch of scripts and music to pass out. The stage manager did as was directed of him.

“Hey,” Jeremy greeted him.

“Hey,” Adakais was short, a year younger than Jeremy with dark curly hair that fell into his face. He had recently switched from glasses to contacts and had several piercings that made him more hardcore than Jeremy automatically (although his older brother, Pallis, who graduated before Jeremy was terrifying and more hardcore than his younger brother). “Excited to sing about pineapples?”

“They’re my favorite thing to sing about,” Jeremy was a failure with conversation. Adakais laughed anyway, just handing him his stuff and moving on to someone else. Jeremy had to admit that Adakais was cute, he was nice and Jeremy thought that he had a nice jawline that looked really good whenever he wore a black turtleneck (like he was that day).

Eventually, the read-through began. Everyone grouped together, Jeremy sat near Brooke in case they made it to their duet. Christine was next to Jake who whispered something that made her laugh and slap his shoulder, Squip sat in the middle while Mr. Reyes and Adakais sat next to each other, the teen had a laptop in his lap that was connected to a speaker that would probably play the practice tracks (even though they all knew that they would give up on actually singing the songs at the read-through partway). Adakais shot him a grin from across the circle that Jeremy weakly returned.

“Alright, everyone!” Mr. Reyes called their attention. “We’ll begin from the start, I hope you all got acquainted,” the circle hushed almost immediately. Adakais pressed something on his laptop and the track for “Willkommen” began to play. The Squip seemed to be caught off guard but managed to catch himself, singing along, getting a feel of the words.

That was how the reading went for the most part. Jeremy could feel himself slowly relax as it went on, reading along and beginning to highlight all of his lines, a habit he got from Christine, although Christine also decorated her script.

They were only halfway through Act I when people began to become unfocused. Jeremy could see the quiet disappointment in Mr. Reyes for a moment.

The man clapped his hands, “I need a Hot Pocket break. Take ten!” He shouted at all of them. 

A chorus of mumbled “Thank you ten”s came from a good portion of the cast while the underclassmen eagerly got up and moved around, running over to their friends. 

Christine smiled at him. “I’m going to go get a snack from the vending machine, do you want to tag along or want anything?”

Jeremy shook his head, “No thanks. I might just chill in here.” Christine nodded and left with Brooke and Jake to the lunch room.

Jeremy took the moment to dig out his phone, seeing the new message from Blinky.

 

_ Jakku, _

_ I don’t know how I feel about talking to someone who dips his fries in frosties. That just sounds gross dude and I’ve had my share of weird food when I’m high  _

_ and sometimes when I’m sober, that 2am summer moment, you feel? _

_ When we meet I’m going to pick you up in my car and we’ll do donuts in the school parking lot _

_ With disgust, _

_ Blinky _

 

Jeremy didn’t waste time replying.

 

_ Blinky, _

_ It’s not disgusting it’s delicious screw off. Wanna know what’s gross? Gefilte fish _

_ Also, I really relate to that both the high and sober thing _

_ And do you want to meet? I feel like you already know the most serious thing about me so I wouldn’t really mind honestly _

_ Fight me, _

_ Jakku _

 

“Who are you texting there Heere?” A voice made Jeremy jump and he brought his phone to his chest. Squip looked amused at him and was still attempting to peer at his phone. Jeremy locked it and shoved it into his jacket pocket. 

“No one,” Jeremy immediately became defensive. 

“You were smiling pretty big for no one.”

“It was just a dumb meme,” Jeremy lied.

“Can I see it?”

“I don’t think you would get it. It was in Hebrew, my friend from a summer camp I went to sent it to me,” he lied again. Squip shrugged.

“Yeah, no. I don’t speak Hebrew.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy didn’t trust Squip. Something about him always gave Jeremy bad vibes. The stage doors open and Christine came in holding two packets of Cheez-its. She was laughing loudly about something and Jeremy watched her for a moment.

“So, what’s Christine’s deal?” Squip asked him.

Jeremy looked at him, his brows furrowed. “Her deal?”

“Yeah. Like, are you and her a thing? Is she still messing around with Dillinger?” Squip clarified.

Jeremy felt something gross at the thought of him and Christine dating. That was basically dating family. “No, to both of those things. She’s single.”

Squip seemed satisfied with this, “Oh, chill. Do you think she’d be interested? She’s cute, I don’t understand why you’re not dating her, but she’s pretty high up there in the leagues and you’re… well. You’re you.” 

Something about that made Jeremy bristle. “I don’t know,” he replied. He bit back his tongue from saying something he would regret.

Mr. Reyes came back and called attention to the read-through again. Jeremy spent the rest of it glancing at Squip and Christine. God, at least he knew that Christine didn’t like assholes.

He hoped so anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jeremy heere's disaster gay adventure of self discovery kicks off


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS FOR: Manipulation, self-loathing, and anxiety attacks

Jeremy spent a lot of time glued to his phone. It was noticed by basically everyone. Especially Christine. She was getting more and more curious about what Jeremy was doing on his phone, Christine understood what it was like to need a distraction and how easily someone could get distracted in the first place. But Jeremy also knew that that excuse hasn’t been working for the last few days.

His theory proved correct when Christine began to try and get a peek at what he did. “What are you doing on there, anyway?” Christine slid into the chair next to him. He felt super relieved that he wasn’t emailing Blinky or anything, instead, he had just been browsing Tumblr. Either way, he still clutched his phone protectively and closer to his body.

“Nothing really,” Jeremy shrugged his shoulders. At the moment, it was true.

Christine rolled her eyes, leaning onto the desk. “Boring,” she said, although Jeremy knew that she didn't really mean it. Her head perked up quickly, and she looked at him with bright eyes. “Can you help me with my memorizing?” Technically they were meant to be writing a research paper at the moment. But Jeremy doubted anyone in the class was doing any actual work. 

“Of course,” Jeremy pulled out his script from his bag. It was the first day of real rehearsal, meaning that it was crunch time. Mr. Reyes had high expectations for memorization, especially for Christine and Jeremy who had done theater for so long now.

“Yay! You make it so much easier to focus on this sort of stuff,” Christine cheered even though she knew that Jeremy would ever say no to her. She pulled out her script as well, setting it down on her desk so she wasn't reading directly from it but it was there if she needed it. It was already highlighted, the first act highlighted in bright pink and the second one in a bright blue. Jeremy had highlighted his own lines in a green highlighter in both acts.

The two of them sat facing each other. “What scene are we starting with?” Jeremy asked her. Christine furrowed his brows, pursing her lips and placing her hands on her cheeks as she thought about it.

“Hmmmmm,” she hummed for a moment longer before emitting a high pitched squeak that made Jeremy smile. “Let’s just start from the beginning of act one and go on from there?” 

Jeremy nodded, starting with the opening lines.

Christine seemed to have a good portion of the first few scenes memorized, she wasn't off-book ready but it wasn't like she had to have her script incredibly close to her face. “Should I try some of them with the accent? I need to start getting used to it…” she placed her hand on her chin, thinking about it. She looked at Jeremy then, “How does your accent sound? I bet it's good! You're pretty good at them, like last year in  _ She Kills Monsters _ when you did that accent. What was that?”

Jeremy's phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Oh, I just, uh, I just made up an accent? Only to really make him seem dorkier,” he scratched the back of his neck.

“Well, it was a good accent!” Christine placed her hands on his shoulders.

His phone buzzed again and he felt himself automatically reaching for it. “Is Ms. Duke looking?” He asked her, Christine looked around then shook her head. 

“She's not even in the room, why?”

“My phone keeps buzzing,” Christine’s hands dropped from his shoulders as he fished his phone out of his pickets. There was a new message from Blinky. Jeremy hugged his phone to his chest as he read it.

 

_ Jakku, _

_ Just realized it would be a LOT easier dor both of us if we chatted over hangouts or something _

_ Sent you a message on there _

 

Hangouts? Jeremy didn't have that downloaded so he quickly got the app on his phone. “What do the messages say? Who are they from? Did Rich send you another Kermit meme? I love those,” Christine was peering and Jeremy hugged his phone closer. 

“Nothing,” he defended his phone. Christine's brows furrowed like she wanted to say something but backed off, seeming to sense that this was probably a boundary even she shouldn't cross with Jeremy. Jeremy sighed in relief and checked to see how far the app was downloaded. It was almost done but the internet was incredibly slow at their school.

“Mr. Heere, I know you know my anti-technology policy,” Ms. Duke’s voice made him jump.

“I was just - I - I was just checking a message,” he moved to put his phone away, his cheeks turning red. They were warm with embarrassment.

Ms. Duke’s eyes burned into him, “Phone, Mr. Heere.” She stretched out her hand. Jeremy paused before shakily handing his phone over. Ms. Duke was almost as harsh as Ms. Chandler. “Thank you,” she gave him a falsely sweet smile. “Now that assignment won’t write itself, Miss Canigula. I am taking that for a grade.” 

Her sharp eyes went to Christine who dropped her gaze. “You can have your phone back after school, Mr. Heere,” Ms. Duke said before going to her desk and putting his phone in there. Jeremy didn't say anything, just nodded and went back to work. 

“Sorry, I didn't warn you,” Christine apologized quietly, even though everyone else in the room spoke freely and as loud as they wanted. Ms. Duke didn't seem to care about the volume as long as they all worked.

“It's okay, Christine,” Jeremy replied, trying to squash down his own paranoia. Ms. Duke wasn't going to look at his phone. She didn't even have his password, the only other people who knew were Christine, his dad, and Brooke. And Brooke only knew because she basically memorized everything and he hadn't changed his password since they became friends.

Jeremy and Christine chatted idly for the rest of class, but Jeremy wasn't into it. Christine distanced herself, knowing better than to overwhelm him even though it was hard for her. Jeremy always felt bad for that.

The class ended, slower than Jeremy wanted it too. 

The rest of the day, Jeremy felt like it was a lull. Typically he wouldn’t be on his phone during lunch, but now that it was gone he wanted nothing than to be on his phone. Blinky was probably wondering where he was at the moment. Jeremy hadn’t responded to him since he had first woke up. 

He played with a carrot, just sort of rolling it some ranch. A cheezit hit him in the temple, forcing him to glance over to where Jenna was throwing cheezits at Rich, who was attempting futilely to catch them with his mouth. Rich picked up the one that had bounced against Jeremy’s face and landed on the table, popping it in his mouth.

“Rich,” Chloe sighed, exasperated by the sight.

“What?” Rich tried to catch another cheezit, this one did land in his mouth. “It's not that gross, no point in letting food go to waste.” He shrugged.

“It wouldn't go to waste if you just caught it with your mouth in the first place,” Jenna rolled her eyes.

Christine looked at Jeremy from her script, “You should eat something, Jeremy.” She told him softly, noting the abundance of food Jeremy had on his tray in comparison to the rest. She bumped him with her shoulder gently.

“You doing okay?” She asked him.

“I'm fine,” Jeremy didn't want to draw attention to himself.

Brooke, of course, got involved, “Are you sure? You're really quiet.” 

“I'm fine, guys,” Jeremy insisted. Christine seemed like she didn't believe him, “Just wondering if Duke is going to write a strongly worded email to my dad about my phone.”

“Duke is a bitch,” Rich commented.

“Are you sure that's all that's bothering you?” Christine asked, not quite believing him. Jeremy nodded and Christine still didn't seem to believe but dropped it. 

“I don’t  _ hate _ Duke, I also don't really like her,” Jake chimed in.

“I'm with Rich, she's a bitch,” Brooke nodded at Rich in solidarity.

“I've never had her. But she sounds better than Chandler and they don't even teach the same thing,” Chloe gently chewed the tip of her glitter pen as she glared down at homework she had yet to finish. Jeremy had to respect her diligence in academics, senioritis had started to hit most of them. 

“Duke emailed my dad at the beginning of the year too,” Rich frowned, Jeremy saw the way Jake’s frown mimicked Rich’s, how his shoulders tensed. They all knew about Rich’s dad, but Jeremy ways felt that there was more than what was being told.

All Jeremy knew was that he drank a lot.

“Ugh,” Jenna tossed her head back, she had gotten on her own phone during the conversation. “I found Duke’s Facebook once, she really doesn't understand technology. Also, I super hate how she, McNamara, and Chandler have the same first name. Emailing gets confusing sometimes.”

“Yeah, but McNamara is a saint compared to the two of them,” Jake stole a cheezit from Rich.

“I  _ love _ McNamara!” Christine gushed, “The best history teacher. Jeremy and I had her sophomore year and I'm so glad I managed to get her again.”

Jeremy tuned out the conversation again. He did manage to eat a few bites of food, now he was both upset about being upset and still upset because of not being able to talk to Blinky. He was such a dependent person. It wasn't healthy, and probably what caused people to leave him. Not that he could particularly blame them. No one likes a person who was clingy yet awkward at the same time. 

“Hey, Jeremy, can I have a fry?” Jeremy jumped, not even noticing Michael’s arrival at the table. Jenna had a smoothie now and a sandwich that Michael had undoubtedly brought for her. 

Jeremy blinked at hi., “Yeah.” Was all he could say, his mind momentarily taken off of his issues because Michael Mell was so damn pretty. And then that thought sent him back into his spiral of self-loathing.

Michael gave him a perfect smile, “Thanks.” He said before taking a fry, Jeremy just nodded. Jeremy imagined Blinky as Michael, smiling at Jeremy’s messages, sending him nerdy references. Michael was a nerd, he had a Pacman stick and poke that his parents were chill with, his typical red hoodie was covered in patches of video games and movies, a few cryptids and aliens, some political. 

Jeremy brushed the thought away, he was being ridiculous.

“I'm going to go to the library,” he blurted it out of nowhere. The others stared at him and his cheeks felt warm. “I forgot that I have to finish up some research and I forgot my laptop…” he mumbled.

“Want me to tag along?” Christine asked and Jeremy shook his head.

“Can I have the rest of your lunch?” Rich asked and Jeremy just gave it to him, grabbing his bag and pulling it on.

“I'll see you guys later,” Jeremy gave a small goodbye before leaving. A faculty member asked where he was going and he answered honestly before turning sharply and heading up the stairs to the library.

It was relatively empty in there. He spotted a few people he knew, Squip was lingering by a few of the bookcases, inspecting books without much interest. There were kids that Jeremy had never seen in his life in the library and he wrote them off as underclassmen.

Jeremy found the computer that had the least visibility, sitting down. He gave a quick glance around before logging on. Jeremy quickly went to Hangouts.

There was a new conversation with Blinky.

_ Hey! Figured this would be easier  _

_ You prob already know my reasoning don't know why I sent that lmao _

_ Have you heard of a band called the Wombats? I think youll like them _

_ Jakku? _

_ Did I upset you somehow? Sorry if this seems to forward  _

 

Jeremy felt guilty, running his hands over his face. He quickly typed up a response.

 

_ Sorry, I don't have my phone on me today but hangouts is a lot easier _

_ I'm not mad I promise and I'll message you more later <3 _

 

Jeremy sent the heart along with his message without meaning too.

 

_ I have the chance to talk rn though if you wanna send me songs you recommend _

 

Jeremy followed up his last message with another, hoping Blinky would ignore it.

“Hey there, Heere,” a voice startled him and Jeremy minimized the window. “What were you doing?” Squip asked him, looking at the screen which now showed the basic Mac background.

“Finishing up a paper,” Jeremy lied. “I'm done now,” he felt cornered underneath Squip’s gaze. 

“What was the paper about?”

“Our two-party system in comparison to the multiparty system that the UK uses,” that was a paper that Jeremy had to write about. The bell rang, “Anyway, gotta go to class.” His words seemed to smush together, “See you later.” Jeremy rushed out of the library quickly, heading to his final period.

His last class of the day dragged on. He felt impatient, and as soon as he could Jeremy rushed to Duke’s classroom.

She was at her desk, glasses on her face as she read a report with a disapproving frown. Jeremy awkwardly cleared his throat, “Hi, Miss Duke. I'm, um, I'm here for my phone?” 

“Are you here for your phone, Mr. Heere? You don't sound very confident,” she stared him down.

“I am,” he said, a bit more confidently, a bit angrier because she challenged him.

Duke looked unimpressed but opened her desk drawer nonetheless. She handed him his phone, her nails were painted dark green. She looked at the essay again. “I better not catch you on it during class again, Mr. Heere.”

“Of course, thank you, ma’am,” Jeremy pocketed his phone. 

The only response the teacher gave him was a dismissive “mhm" that had Jeremy leaving the room. He checked his messages on the way to the auditorium, smiling when he saw that Blinky had sent him songs to listen to.

 

_ Heres my favs from each album <3 _ was the accompanying message. The small heart made Jeremy happier than he wanted to admit.

 

He reached the auditorium, setting his stuff down and sitting next to Christine. He pocketed his phone, promising himself that he would listen to the songs later when he was alone in his room. 

Jeremy chatted amicably with the others before rehearsal began. Even if he wasn't in the scene, Jeremy still watched. Mainly because everyone else was just so interesting to see on stage.

Someone sat down in the empty seat next to him. 

“Hey, Jeremy, do you have a minute?” Squip whispered to him as he tilted his head and Jeremy looked at him, then at the stage where Christine and Jake were practicing their first scene together. Christine was always amazing to watch on stage. Jeremy didn't want to leave, but he sighed.

“Yeah, I do,” he answered.

“Can I talk to you outside real quick then?” Squip asked, standing up and already exiting the auditorium. The tone and the presence of him made a pit drop into Jeremy’s stomach. This wasn't going to be good, and he could feel dread welling up in his chest.

After a few moments, Jeremy got up and followed the Squip. The hallway was relatively empty and Squip looked around before addressing Jeremy.

“So, who's Blinky? Squip asked him.

Jeremy heard sirens blare in his head. Warning signals popped up. His hands became shaky and sweaty and suddenly his heart was no longer in his chest. It had jumped into his throat. His stomach had tied itself into knots.

Really, Jeremy should have known better. Typically he didn't use the school computers for anything other than work. But he had to slip up. Just this once. He had gotten distracted and left everything out in the open.

"I — who — what, um, what, what do you mean?” Jeremy stammered out, his face already beginning to get warm from his anxiety.

“I think you know,” Squip said without any sympathy in his voice. He pulled out his phone, scrolling to his gallery and showing Jeremy screenshots. Screenshots of emails. Screenshots of private correspondence between Blinky and him. Things that had meant to stay private between two close friends. Everything that Jeremy didn't want other people to know.

Not yet, anyway.

“Is he like, your boyfriend or something? You don't seem to know each other's real names which is... kind of pathetic,” Squip flipped through the screenshots, his eyes scanning the messages.

Jeremy felt something spark in his chest. He was pathetic, he knew that. But Squip was implying that Blinky was pathetic too and there was something so irate about the guys face as he scanned their  _ private messages _ with a passive, bored face. “We- We’re not anything. He's my  _ friend _ ,” Jeremy wasn't able to stop the anger in his voice.

Squip put his hands up in a mock surrender as if he wasn't the one in the wrong here. “Calm down, Jeremy. It's fine if you're gay, people eat that shit up nowadays.”

“I'm not — !” Jeremy couldn't get the word out, “I'm not.” He repeated, a bit quieter this time. His arms came and crossed his chest defensively. His posture sank and he tried to make himself seem smaller.

Squip raised a brow. There was a smirk on his face that made Jeremy want to retreat into himself. “Oh?” He said, as is he had gotten a new idea for something. He grinned slowly, showing his teeth. They were white and perfect, matching his inquisitive and malevolent eyes.

The way he looked was predatory and Jeremy felt that he was going to get eaten up.

“Well, if you're not gay then I guess you wouldn't mind if I shared these then, right?” Squip asked him. His heart stopped.

“You can’t do that!” His voice cracked, filling him with shame and embarrassment. It sounded like he was admitting that he was weak.

“But you're not gay and you're not dating this guy. So… what's the issue? Having some internal war, Heere? Scared to admit that you might like — “

“Stop it.” Jeremy bristled. “What do you want?” He hated saying those words. He felt weak, his pride already feeling knocked down and then taking another hit.

“Why do you assume I want something?”

“You always want something,” Jeremy muttered.

“True,” Squip tilted his head back, considering his options as if he hadn't thought the plan through already. “Tell you what,” he looked at Jeremy, “I won’t post these on your school's friendly little blog if you set me up with Christine.”

Christine. Jeremy blinked. Squip had expressed interest with her in the past. “You want me to get you a date?”

“Christine is so cold to me, I just want her to smile at me like she does you,” Squip said. That made Jeremy feel gross, especially because he smiled in a way that would make middle-aged women who asked for the manager swoon. 

“So what do you say, Jeremy? You get me closer to Christine and I won't tell the world about your little secret.”

Jeremy looked down, staring at his converse. There was a small smiley face on the toes and a few stars as well drawn in black Sharpie. He knew on the inside of the tongue there were lyrics that Christine shared on a pair of her own shoes.

He frowned. “Okay. I'll get you a date with Christine,” he agreed, his voice small. His skin felt itchy and his joints felt numb. His chest had grown tight.

Squip’s grin grew, “Good.” He said, “ I'll see you inside. But I'll be keeping these,” he held up his phone and waved it around, “See you inside, Heere.” Squip went back into the auditorium, leaving Jeremy outside by himself.

Jeremy moved on autopilot, getting to the closet boys restroom. He slumped against the wall there, sliding down to the floor. He stared at the wall in front of him, feeling sick to his stomach. Jeremy buried his hands in his hair after a moment, trying to collect himself. His breath was short and barely there at all, his hands were shaking even though he had dug them so far into his hair that he pulled at the strands. It stung but it kept him grounded, Jeremy pulled a little hit tighter. 

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes and hastily wiped them away. Jeremy wasn't going to cry, wasn't going to give into that satisfaction. So he sat there and stared, breathing in deeply and trying to think of that heptagon shape Christine showed him a few times.

In through his nose slowly, then gently exhale from his mouth. In through his nose. Exhale from his mouth. Through his nose. From his mouth. Nose. Mouth. Slow breathing. Gentle and calm breathing.

His entire body felt like static, and Jeremy leaned his head against the wall of the bathroom. His phone buzzed several times in his back pocket. The thought of it being Blinky made him feel sick to his stomach, the thought of it being Christine texting with concern made him feel even sicker.

What was he meant to do here? Just tell them both of what had happened? He didn't want to tell Blinky about someone else knowing about him, and he didn't want to te Christine anything at all. Jeremy was a coward and he couldn't imagine confronting Christine with the truth. How could he tell someone else when he could barely admit it to himself?

Jeremy ran his hands over his face, bit his lower lip as hard as he could and tried to ignore the sob that threatened to come out. He still made a noise, but it was a pathetic whimper rather than a loud gasp of broken breath.

His phone buzzed again and buzzed continuously. Someone was calling him.

Jeremy took a deep breath, ignoring the shaky quality of his hands as he grabbed his phone from his back pocket. A picture of his dad taken years ago had taken over his screen. He was wearing a Channukah sweater and eating Christmas themed chocolate, unaware of Jeremy capturing him on camera.

He wondered if he should answer. If he didn't then his dad would call him again. But Jeremy also knew that he sounded like a wreck when he talked like this. His mind was still hazy. 

Jeremy accepted the call before it got to the last ring, “Hey--hey dad,” he managed to stutter out a small greeting. 

_ “Jeremy, you weren't answering my texts. What time do I need to pick you up?”  _ His dad asked him.

Jeremy had his license, things were just to strained to get himself a car. Especially since he didn't work. Although he was seriously rethinking that decision because life would be so much easier with a car of his own. There he would have a private place to freak out! 

“Oh, uh. I think-- I think 6:30?” Jeremy stated, checking the schedule online before confirming. “Yeah, 6:30. If it's too late I can just ask someone else to drive me home.”

_ “No, it's fine kiddo. Wendy’s for dinner?”  _ They weren't exactly great at being Jewish. They made an effort, at least. Being kosher was hard.

“Wendy’s sounds fine. Thanks, dad,” Jeremy placed his head on his knees, curling up into a small ball.

_ “Are you alright, son? Your voice sounded a bit strained when you answered,”  _ Jeremy’s dad didn't bother hiding the concern in his tone. Jeremy frowned, biting his lower lip again despite it now aching.

“I'm fine. I was just in the middle of rehearsal and I haven't warmed up properly today,” Jeremy lied. “I have to get back. I'll see you later, dad.”

_ “Okay, Jeremy. I love you.” _

Jeremy pressed his forehead to his knees now, “I love you too,” he told his dad before hanging up. He sat like that for a moment longer before getting up slowly. Jeremy cleaned off his face, looking at himself in the mirror.

His face had gone a bit pale, and he looked more tired than usual. His hair was a mess from his fingers being in it so often. Jeremy attempted to fix the wayward strands, pushing them back into place. There wasn't a lot he could do about his appearance otherwise. At least he hadn't cried, he knew that he would look worse otherwise.

He gently slapped his cheeks to get himself looking more alive. He lingered near the bathroom sinks for a moment longer, contemplating if he should go back. His entire body felt weak and he was just so drained.

Eventually, he turned towards the door, leaving the bathroom. He found his way back in the auditorium. Mr. Reyes spotted him instantly. “Mr. Heere! There you are, we’ve been looking for you,” he crossed his arms over his chest, holding a Hot Pocket in one hand. 

“Where were you?” Adakias asked.

“I was," he paused, wondering what to say. Adakias stare was intense, and his question felt like an interrogation, "I was talking to my dad, sorry. I had to find somewhere quiet,” it was a lie by omission but Jeremy didn't feel bad about it. He scratched the back of his neck before collecting his script.

“Where are we starting?” he asked.

Mr. Reyes stared at him for a moment before seeming to decide it wasn't worth it, “Page… page... What page are we on?” He looked at Adakais.

“Top of 12, when you're introduced,” Adakais informed him, glancing at Jeremy before staring at the script again. Jeremy flipped to the page. Schultz was meant to meet with Fraulein Schneider for Schnapps.

“Are we going to have an actual bottle of Schnapps?” Brooke asked. She was playing Schneider, which Jeremy was actually excited for. 

“We’ll get there eventually,” Mr. Reyes brushed the question off, making Brooke frown a little. They started rehearsal backup. Christine was sitting in the audience, watching as Jeremy pretended to knock on a door that wasn't there. He tried not to focus on the fact that she could see right through him and instead focus on the words on the paper.

His phone buzzed in his back pocket and he was aware of Squip’s eyes burning into his skin for the rest of rehearsal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being gone for such a long time, my schools musical happened along with the sat and the ap tests and then the end of the school year but now im summer break! so hopefully i can just sit and chill more


	4. Four

Jeremy thought about the Squip having all of this information on him. On Blinky. Being blackmailed just so someone could date your friend was probably bad enough on its own, but not only was Jeremy’s privacy on the line but Blinky’s too.

He tried not to think about it. Maybe he could just get away with not worrying about Squip at all. But when he read Blinky’s first email that morning he worried even more.

The worst part about the Squip situation was that Jeremy couldn’t tell Blinky. He had already decided that. Jeremy hated hiding something from Blinky, but it was just another thing to add onto a list of secrets that the two were keeping from each other. Still, Jeremy wished that he could have talked it out with Blinky.

Jeremy had already told Blinky so much. He had shared so many secrets, so many things that _defined_ him as a person.

Things that he had never told anyone else.

But Jeremy was sure that if Blinky was a real junior, a real person who existed at Middleborough High, who had his own locker, who drove to school every day in his own car, that he would not be telling him even half of the information that he was telling him.

Jeremy knew that logically, Blinky was all of those things. But for right now the two of them not knowing each other, Blinky existing only on his phone and laptop at that moment was more than enough.

Blinky was careful about things. Obviously, more careful than Jeremy. If he found out that fucking Eric “Squip” Addison had screenshots of their messages, Blinky would freak-out in a complete Blinky way.

Meaning that he would stop emailing Jeremy.

And it was selfish but Jeremy didn’t want that. In the same way that he didn’t want Christine to stop talking to him. If she found out that Jeremy was using her, basically, she would stop talking to him too.

Jeremy let out a heaving sigh and looked at his phone again.

 

_I think my favorite thing about the end of September/beginning of October is that there’s a bunch of new Halloween stuff to mess around with. I think my mom is exhausted with me pressing the button on one of those dancing skeleton things every time we go into Target._

_Also, I have the chance to get free sour patch kids._

_It’s not weird to trick or treat if you’re the older sibling_

_Love,_

_Blinky_

_PS. I missed signing my messages with love, so i'm doing it again_

 

Jeremy had spent some time in bed, just looking at the email.

“Halloween, huh?” he muttered, finding the simple and mundane topic to be calming. Focusing on something other than the screenshots, the threat… it made Jeremy relax just a bit.

Jeremy began to type up a response, despite knowing he wouldn’t get an answer back from Blinky right away. It was 5 am, nearing 6 am, and most people weren’t up at this time. At least, most high schoolers weren’t.

It was especially early for Jeremy himself to be awake but he couldn’t sleep that night. He had spent a lot of it tossing and turning, the sleep he got wasn’t a lot since he had woken up from a stress dream.

Since freshman year Jeremy and Christine had been doing couple costumes. Freshman year the two of them were Kronk and Yzma, sophomore year was Miguel and Tulio, junior year had been Sharkboy and Lavagirl. This year, after a lot of discussions and some arguing, they had decided to dress up as Robin and Starfire from Teen Titans.

He looked back to Blinky’s message. When he checked the timestamp he had to laugh. Blinky had apparently sent this to him at 3 am. He was definitely going to die when he got to school that day.

 

_You were up pretty late last night. I gotta wonder what you were doing_

_Are you planning on dressing up for Halloween? I’m going as a character from a comic book_

_Love,_

_Jakku_

_PS. Ill join you in signing off with love_

 

As he sent the email Jeremy got the idea that if he found out who Blinky was, that the Squip’s threat wasn’t going to heavily effect either of them. Sure, the Squip would make all of the information public. And that’s an awful thing. But if Jeremy played his cards right there was a chance he could get away with it.

Right?

Jeremy rolled onto his side, grabbing one of his pillows and holding it against his chest. He stared out his window like before. It was foggy outside, the leaves on the trees were especially brown and red now.

He allowed his eyes to slip close, falling into a small nap that didn’t last long. His usual alarm clock screeched and woke him again. Jeremy lifted the pillow he had been cuddling to his face and groaned.

School was a bit of an adventure.  
  
Jeremy had been avoiding Squip. It was actually a lot harder than Jeremy thought it would be. He avoided him during class, in the hallway, during lunch, and he planned on avoiding him during rehearsal unless they were supposed to be acting on stage together. Jeremy saw him trying to catch his eye, saw the charming smile begin to make way on his face. Whenever he saw that he would turn heel, go the other direction. It was a cowards move, Jeremy knew that.

It made him feel like a majorly stupid coward at that. He had already agreed to help him, or to go along with his blackmail, whatever it was called. Jeremy felt sick thinking about it.

Squip intercepted that day on his way back from the lunch line. There was the rare occasion where he forgot to bring lunch and the lunch room had something decently appetizing. Jeremy had almost been there, to an oasis, a safe haven when Squip saddled up next to him.

“Room for one more?” Squip asked.

Jeremy looked over to where his friends sat, “We, um, we already have… eight people? Including me, so, um.” Jeremy felt small under Squip’s gaze.

“Is that a no, Heere?” The tone in his voice made Jeremy shiver uncomfortably. He had the brief recollection of his mother’s voice, the smell of alcohol on her breath when she go close to his face, asking him a question that made him feel like a scared animal. “I didn’t know assigned seats were still a thing in high school,” Squip sneers just a bit.

Jeremy had never considered that before. They sat where they always sat. An unspoken rule.

At the table sat Rich, who was failing to stay focused on the homework in front of him, Jake who was trying to help Rich with his homework, Chloe and Jenna who were engaged in a conversation that was making them both frown and glare, Brooke who seemed to be trying to jump into the conversation, Christine, who met his eyes and quirked her brow (Jeremy furrowed his own at her, trying to tell her everything was okay), and Michael who tended to flit in and out of the groups table. Like Brooke, he was trying to interject Chloe and Jenna’s conversation.

It was a tight squeeze already.

“You’re supposed to be helping me, Heere. We have a deal,” Squip pointed his finger at Jeremy’s chest. Jeremy recoiled, backing up a bit.

“Yeah, well,” he tried to come up with a good excuse. “Just, just, just give me time, man,” his shoulders sagged. “Adding you out of the blue would be weird, right?” He let out a choked laugh, “Don’t worry, I’m going to talk to her! Just give me some time,” he felt sweaty.

Squip’s gaze was burning right through him. He could see everything, Jeremy’s insecurities, his fears, the blackheads and pimples beginning to develop underneath his skin.

“Whatever, Heere,” Squip shrugged.

Jeremy felt his gaze all the way back to the lunch table. Christine looked at him.

“What was that about?” She asked.

“Nothing,” Jeremy tried to wave off her concern. “He was just asking me about rehearsal today,” he lied. Lying to Christine definitely felt wrong. Jeremy shared everything with her.

Well, almost everything.

He checked his phone as a way to back out of the conversation.

 

 _I don’t really_ do _Halloween costumes, not since middle school anyway_

_If I’m being honest I might just end up wearing a sweater and stealing the candy from my siblings while they’re trick-or-treating._

_I’ll definitely look out for some guy wearing tights come Halloween though ;)_

_Love,_

_Blinky_

_PS. glad to know youre on board with me signing off our messages_

▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁

The days tick by without Jeremy talking to Christine about Squip at all. Jeremy could feel Squip’s patience running thin. He seemed to follow Jeremy around, which made Jeremy begin to wonder if this was how prey felt. Being hunted by an apex predator was incredibly terrifying.

Jeremy didn’t know what the Squip wanted. Did he want Jeremy to get them alone together? To lock them in classrooms? Pull something straight out of a fanfiction that Christine had found.

As a way of avoiding him, he’s taken up to straight up disappearing. Or making sure that he was always around two people — and usually without Christine. Jeremy didn’t miss the looks, and she kept texting him about it. But Jeremy couldn’t risk Squip coming up to the two of them and trying to make Jeremy play wingman.

Thankfully, Jeremy had free blocks when Squip didn’t.

Currently, he had curled himself up in the auditorium. Technically, he couldn’t be in there without some sort of teacher. But there wasn’t a class going on and barely anyone went in it during this time. He was hiding towards the back anyway, in the audience. The only issue was that he kept hearing his name being called.

“Jeremy?” Okay, no his name was definitely being called. He pulled out an earbud, turning around and seeing Christine. He should have figured that she was going to seek him out since they shared the free block. “Can I sit?” She asked him, her voice soft even in the quiet of the auditorium.

“Of course,” Jeremy nodded and she smiled at him.

“Thanks,” she sat down next to him. For a moment, neither of them said anything. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “What are you doing?” She finally asked, glancing over to his phone.

Jeremy showed her the screen, “Just watching music videos.”

“What band is that?” Christine asked, looking at the main singer who was bathed by soft sunlight in the video. Jeremy gave her an earbud. “Oh! I recognize them. You’ve played them for me before,” she smiled at Jeremy.

“I have a song stuck in my head though, can we listen to it?” Christine was already making grabby motions towards his phone.

“If it’s any sad Broadway song, no,” Jeremy moved his phone away from her.

“It won’t be sad! How dare you refuse a good musical song,” Christine pouted at him.

“I don’t want to be sad in my next class, Christine!” Jeremy defended himself.

“You listen to Sufjan Stevens. He’s basically just sad, hipster music,” Christine rolled her eyes good naturedly.

Jeremy laughed despite himself, “You take that back!” Christine wasn’t wrong.

As a compromise, the two of them squished close together and watched a few episodes of _Bob’s Burgers_. It’s a perfect distraction for them both. Christine leaned her head onto Jeremy’s shoulder, and for the moment it felt like everything was fine. Nothing was bothering Jeremy. He kept an eye on the clock, since he didn’t want to miss his next class. But he definitely didn’t want to run into Squip in the hallway.

Jeremy also knew that the show was distracting Christine, or at least she was pretending that she didn’t notice something was up with Jeremy. Instead, she just sat with him and watched the show. For a brief moment, everything felt like it was put back into balance.

Admittedly, it left Jeremy in a pretty decent mood for the rest of the day.

Until rehearsal came around.

Jeremy was early for rehearsal, which wasn’t being held in the auditorium that day, so he stayed in the auditorium. He laid on an ottoman that they had been using last rehearsal for a scene since they didn't have a bed yet, scrolling through Tumblr as he tried to distract himself till the time came.

“Heere, mind making room?” Squip’s voice made him jump. He didn’t move for a moment before sliding over to the side and sitting up. Squip sat down beside him, spreading his legs and staring at the wall before speaking again. “What’s your deal?” Squip looked at him.

“W-What do you mean?” Jeremy followed up.

“You’re avoiding me, Heere,” Jeremy looked down at their feet. They were both wearing converse. Jeremy’s were old, well worn and cared for. Squip’s were new, with only one scuff mark on the toe of his left shoe.

“I’m not avoiding you,” he defended himself.

“Are you sure about that?” Squip was looking at him now. “Because it sure seems that way. There hasn’t been any process with Christine. I think she’s actually avoiding me now too. So I’m pretty sure you’re either bad mouthing me to her, or you avoiding me is making her not want to talk to me. I have those emails. I don’t plan on showing them to anyone, you know.”

“Then why hold it over my head?” Jeremy couldn’t help the spark of anger.

“Because I can,” Squip rolled his eyes, his voice holding a very ‘duh’ tone in it.

Looking at Squip’s face, Jeremy found it hard to believe that Squip had ever been someone nice before. He seemed like the type of kid who would’ve pushed others off the swing set. Sure, he was handsome. He reminded Jeremy of Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted. But right now, Jeremy couldn’t see him as anything other than a massive asshole. Mainly because he was being a massive asshole.

“I’m going to talk to her. Okay? These things take time,” Jeremy frowned. He stood, intending on leaving the auditorium.

“Wait!” Squip stood up too, quickly.

“What?” Jeremy asked, his good mood ruined.

“We should trade numbers,” Squip told him, pulling out his phone.

Jeremy blinked, “What?” He said again, even though he had heard the Squip clearly.

“We should trade numbers. To make this whole thing… easier. It just makes sense,” for a moment Squip looked like an awkward teenager and not a blackmailer.

He frowned, grabbing his own phone. “Fine,” he agreed begrudgingly. The two of them traded numbers before heading off into the choir room.

As soon as he got there, Christine latched herself to her arm. “Jeremy!” She all but squealed, giving Squip a passing smile before tugging him over. “Thank god you’re here to save me from whatever is going on over there,” she gestured over her shoulder where, when Jeremy looked, Jenna and Chloe seemed to be caught up in another intense debate.

Jeremy raised an eyebrow, looking at Christine with clear confusion on his face. “What are they even fighting about?”

“Some TV show,” Christine waved her hand. “They’re getting very intense and it’s super over-stimulating,” she leaned against Jeremy with a small whine. “Jeremmmy.”

“What show are they arguing about?” Squip decided to add himself to their conversation.

“I don’t know,” Christine shrugged, a little on edge than she usually would be. Christine tended to get really irritated whenever she was over-stimmed.

Jeremy ignored Squip, pulling Christine away from where it was loud. “Are you going to be okay during rehearsal?”

Christine bounced on her heels. “Hopefully, can’t exactly get out of it.”

“Maybe you can, if Mrs. Goodman and Mr. Reyes let you work on some of your solos, or something,” Jeremy scratched the back of his neck.

“Hopefully,” Christine sighed, resting her head on Jeremy’s chest. Christine was a touchy friend. Jeremy didn’t mind her touching him, at least. She only stopped leaning on him when rehearsal officially started up.

Squip kept looking at him during rehearsal. Jeremy was pretty sure that he was mad at him for taking Christine away when he was trying to talk to her.

Mr. Reyes was himself, as usual.

It was a music rehearsal, so Mr. Reyes actually wasn’t doing anything but eating a hot pocket while the choir director worked with them. The choir director, Mrs. Goodman, was trying to get them to focus on singing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” seriously.

The actor of Ludwig kept getting distracted, which made it hard for them to get even a bit through the song since he was the main voice in it.

“Clyde! Can you please focus on the song,” Mrs. Goodman pinched her brows. She looked over at Mr. Reyes for some help. Mr. Reyes just sort of blinked slowly on her. Jeremy sometimes wasn’t sure that Mr. Reyes was sober during rehearsals.

“Sorry, Mrs. Goodman,” Clyde gave a grin that read that he definitely wasn’t sorry. Adakias lifted his head and glared at Clyde. The glare seemed to have some sort of effect, especially with the combination of Mrs. Goodman’s glare because Clyde actually began to focus on rehearsal. Jeremy let his gaze linger on Adakias for a moment, trying to imagine him as Blinky. He was on his phone. Could he be writing a message to Jeremy right now? Could they be in the same room and not even know it?

Jeremy doubted that Adakias was Blinky. Yet he wanted to entertain the idea. Adakias had lovely hazel eyes, dark curly hair that looked soft, and he had recently switched from glasses to eye contacts which just made his long eyelashes even more noticeable to Jeremy.

Adakias met his eyes and Jeremy looked away quickly, hoping that he wasn’t blushing.

His phone vibrated in his back pocket and he tried to focus on the actual rehearsal. Even if he wasn’t singing right now, it was still good for him to learn or at least listen to what the others were doing.

“When you’re singing this song, I want you to make it sound almost like a lullaby,” Mrs. Goodman instructed Clyde. “I want you to almost make the audience fall in love with this song, which they shouldn’t be doing since it’s the song of the Nazi party,” she demonstrated what she wanted Clyde to do.

Jeremy got sent away to go and work on his solos. It both made him feel relieved because he no longer had to interact with Squip or be in the same room. At least not for an hour or so. He eventually had to come back to work on "Finale Ultimo.”

At the end of rehearsal, Jeremy felt completely drained. He just wanted to go home and lay in his bed.

“Alright, keep reviewing your music until next rehearsal. You should have all made notes, I don’t want to go back and fix the same mistakes,” Mrs. Goodman told them.

Afterward, she dismissed everyone. People grouped up together naturally, Christine latching onto his arm again. “Jeremy, can you help me learn my lines?” She asked him. “We can go to Perkins. Maybe the others want to go to,” Christine swayed with him. They began to head out to the parking lot.

Squip was lingering near the two of them. The threat was definitely there on the back of his mind. “Yeah, iHop sounds like a good idea,” he glanced over at Squip. “Are you having issues with your lines?”

Squip smiled at him as if they were friends, “A little bit. It’s mainly the accent I’m having trouble with.”

Christine gasped, feeling better from earlier since she did manage to be alone for a while, “Me too! I can totally help you with accents.” Christine smiled at him.

“Sounds good, so Perkins?” Squip looked at Jeremy.

“Yeah, Perkins is good. Should we ask Jenna, Chloe, and Brooke if they want to join us?” Jeremy asked Christine, not caring for Squip’s opinion.

“I think they’re already gone,” Christine scanned the parking lot for their cars.

“Oh,” Jeremy frowned. He felt miffed that they had left without saying anything to the two of them before leaving, but he couldn’t exactly hold it against them. They had probably thought that Christine and Jeremy were busy.

“That’s fine. I can drive us there if that’s not an issue. Besides, it’ll probably be better with just the three of us,” Squip smiled at Christine.

“It will be less overwhelming that way,” Christine tilted her head to the side, considering it.

Jeremy couldn’t exactly say no. “Yeah, it’ll be fine,” he said, hiding how he didn’t want to just have one buffer between him and Squip.

“Great! Let’s go then,” Christine looped her arm with Jeremy’s. “Lead the way to your car,” she grinned brightly at Squip.

Jeremy felt that he was in for a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol sorry i died

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know why i'm starting another fic when i have two uncompleted ones  
> my first full-fledged BMC fanficiton watch you gays im coming for you
> 
> PLEASE NOTE THIS FIC WAS STARTED BEFORE THE NEW VERSION OF BMC DEBUTED, THEREFORE IT IS GOING BASED OFF THE CANON OF THE ORIGINAL CAST AND SCRIPT THANK YOU
> 
> Come talk to me at:  
> trans-riot.tumblr.com  
> electricpurity on instagram  
> (please bother me, i would actually love it)


End file.
